MAKE YOURSELF

If I hadn't made me, I would've been made somehow.
If I hadn't assembled myself, I would've fallen apart by now.
If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow
Powers that be would have swallowed me up but that's more than I can allow.

If you let them take you, they'll make you paper-mache
At a distance you're strong, until the winds comes
Then you'll crumble and blow away.

You should make amends with you, if only for better health
But if you really want to live, why not try, and make yourself?

I hear you, Brandon Boyd. I hear you.

It’s just hard for to make a decision right now.
Let me breathe for a second here.

I have been wearing many hats lately and it has been exhausting.

I found myself crying on the dinner table thrice this week.

My tears mirror an endless river flooding the shirt I have been wearing the whole day since I got up at 6 am.

It's ridiculous.

Frankly, I am tired.

There’s just too much going on right now, I lose sleep thinking how much more sleep I can fit in my day.

First, I have fallen deeply in love with this start-up company that 3 of my dearest friends and I built together. We are on our second year and so far, all our hard work, sweat, blood and tears and [literally] life savings spent and exhausted are slowly paying off. Just last week, we have received very good news and it’s the kind of news we’ve been waiting [and wanting] to hear. The problem is, we were expecting it in a year or two but it has come now and it needs action now. I know we started this business because our end goal was to someday be our own bosses and afford some free time for ourselves that no company or employer might ever give us. The solution should be a piece of cake here but is it that easy to quit my job now and can I afford it?

Second: my job. I’ve been with the company for almost 3 years now and to say that it is wretched and that I don’t love it would be a lie. It has sustained all my travels and need to buy those clothes and papers and pencils and FOOD! I almost forgot food. My job has provided the seed money that I paid for the start up business and it has provided the weekly allowance I give my youngest brother. [That last bit is my parents’ idea of me taking some (little) responsibility around the house. My parents are awesome.] If i say goodbye to my job, I could also be saying good bye to a lot of those things I just mentioned. 

Lastly, there’s my life. My day has turned monotonous: I wake up, I go to work, I think about my business at work while working, I eat, I walk, I solve some problems for the business, I work some more, I answer emails, I answer some more emails, I think about the business, I work some more, I eat, I go home, I work on the business, I sleep. I barely see my parents and brothers on weekdays, on Saturdays I have meetings for the business and on Sundays I wake up at 12 and if I’m lucky, I get to spend it with my wonderful family. On some good days though, when I get home I still get to watch some TV and enjoy it with my brothers, have dinner with my parents and then run and work on myself physically. I have a good life, it’s just the good part is being eaten alive with the stress that my business and job brings altogether.

It might really look like an easy decision. Saying goodbye to my job provides more time for the business to grow. And making the business grow means that I can sustain myself in time. It's just hard to quit my job right now and to be honest, the news came in too fast for me. I'm not yet ready but who knows when I will be? If I ever will be.

Maybe, [for the meanwhile at least] I need to accept that I will never sleep 8 hours on weekdays ever again and that I just have to suck it in and endure all these things happening simultaneously until life leaves me to fade into blue and grey.

I need to think.

I need to breathe.

World, please leave my case alone for a while.

SFM